King Deluxe DeluxDeluxDel

The high and mighty have farther to fall

When you read about kings in fairy tales they are usually wise or cruel or crazy but you never find out much about their personal lives. I am always interested in details like what their furniture looks like and what they have for breakfast and what their work schedule is like. After all, small time kings would still have to punch the clock and supervise their workers because they could not afford lots of supervisors. Fairy tales often try to make a quick point so I suppose all the details just get in the way. I want to know though because I want to be ready in case I ever find that magic lamp. I would wish to be a king deluxe and the genie will want to know all the little details. Bosses in small companies are always overworked because there are not enough people so I would want my kingdom to have tons of managers that take care of everything behind the scenes. As a king deluxe I would also have super smart councilors to help with tough decisions. Then I would have time to do fun stuff like make people knights and start museums and arrange celebrations that include everyone. I would still work hard to make sure that everyone is safe and has enough to eat but as a king deluxe I would have all the help I needed. I suppose I should ask the genie for some king manuals too because I would have a lot to learn. All of that is a big wish but if I ever had the chance I would drop everything and start work as a king deluxe right away.

Justice Machine JusticeJust

A wink is as good as a nod

I’m glad I don’t have to be a judge because judges spend every minute making hard decisions. I would have a headache every day of my life deciding whether people should go to jail or have to pay a lot of money. If I had to guess I would say judges have all kinds of health problems because of all that stress. If we really wanted to help the judges we would come up with justicebots. If you needed justice you could put money in the justicebot and get instant justice, and if you were broke or had been arrested then justice would be free. The judges could sit back and watch over the justicebots but I bet they would really be daytrading and drinking martinis and all the other stuff judges wish they could do if they only have the time. It could get scary though because if the justicebot found you guilty then you would be penalized right away. They might speed things up and instead of jail time the justicebot would give you a huge electronic shock or drain all your bank accounts or follow you around town for a week and tell everyone what you did. The state or city could cash in with a reality show for the most interesting cases and justice would be served day and night. There would be justice for all but I would try my hardest to just watch from the sidelines.

Soup SoupSoupSoup Soup

A strange story about soulful soup. A little sample goes a long way.
A little bit goes a long way

Soup can be good but it can also be the garbage can of foods. You can throw pretty much anything into a chunky soup and people will eat it. One time I worked in a restaurant that made lots of money selling soup because they could make it so cheap. They bought all the meat bits for the soup from a wholesale place down the street. That place had some real strange cuts of meat and always had the bags ready for our place by the time I showed up. I remember bringing back those big garbage bags full of meat bits late at night for the owner and I would carry a black bag over each shoulder like Santa Claus. I never looked in the bags and I never ate the soup even though it was free for me. I quit one day because I felt a really strange shape in one of the bags and decided there was more to life than soup. I still eat soup today though as long as it’s not too chunky.

Clocko ClocksClocks Clocks

If I were a single parent I would want to drink all day and night.  I know I couldn’t because of safety and whatnot but I would still want to because single parents never have time for themselves.  Even doing simple stuff like bringing in the groceries is hard if the kids are very young.  I know I could make a fortune if I could build a robot that could help the parent and the kids.  The robot could lift heavy things and bring in stuff from the car and it could also do some home repairs.  It could entertain the kids too and play board games and sing songs.  I suppose a parent would be nervous about leaving their kids alone with the robot but it could still be a big help without being a babysitter.  It would have to look really friendly though or kids would find it scary.  Kids like stuffed toy animals but a huge stuffed animal would be creepy.  Even a huge animal that looked real, like a black bear, might scare kids even though it could do some good solid work on any burglars with its metal claws.  I think all kids like clocks though, so I would make a robot clock and then they would always love time.  I would call it Clocko because everybody would find Clocko to be a good and helpful friend.

Wonderhouse wonderwonder

It turns out what I hoped for is already here

One time I worked for a company that built houses with all kinds of special features. That’s fine for rich folks, but I could make big money selling houses with features normal people want. I would all them Wonderhouses. People want to feel safe and secure and these houses would be ultrasafe. They would have blastproof concrete walls and thick glass windows with steel bars. There would be cameras in every corner of every room and outside and the camera feeds would be sent to special watchers. To keep you safe they would watch while you are awake and while you are sleeping. I would include fun things too like a TV that would stay on all the time and watch you while you watch it. It would also have secret features. The furniture would have movable legs so it could chase burglars and bring stuff to you. Wonderhouse would be like a really cool reverse prison that keeps all the bad people out. Everybody would love that nice safe feeling and all those conveniences, and when evil comes knocking the Wonderhouse will slam the door right in its face. I can’t wait until everybody has one.

Owls Owls OwlsOwlsOwls

Hobbies: watching and waiting

So many stores are full of owls. Ceramic owls, owl charms, cookie jar owls, owl pendants. Watching a live owl can bring you good luck, but only if you watch it for a very long time. It’s the best luck if you can watch one at midnight. I put on dark clothes and a ski mask last night to watch the owl in my neighbor’s back yard. The owl hooted a few times, which is very good luck. Owls were worshipped in the past because they have powerful eyes that can see into people’s souls. My neighbor thought I was watching him I guess because he confronted me near the big oak tree in his yard. We talked about owls for awhile but it made him angry so I locked him in his tool shed. He lives alone so I will have to figure out what to do with him tomorrow morning, because I’m still busy watching that owl right now.

Ollie OctopusOctoOcto

If you can see them then they can see you

What I think about the octopus has nothing to do with reality. I think of a cartoon octopus with a big head and huge eyes and waving arms, but in reality they are shapeless and rubbery. If I had time I would mix their genes up with giraffe genes and monkey genes and come up with a tall, smart walking octopus that could give people the business. Nobody would expect a walking octopus to cheat them blind so they would make great carnies. I would people would spend every nickel they had on a booth run by a tall friendly octopus. I would name them all Ollie because that is a super friendly name and have them operate every booth in my carnival. It would be awesome to have an Ollie run the shell game because he could move the cups and balls around superfast with all those arms. My Ollies would really only use six arms because two arms would really be extra long legs. An Ollie could play a guitar and drums at the same time so I could save money on entertainment too. It would be expensive to make those Ollies but as you can see you could make your money back super fast.

Congress CongressCongressCong

He cuts a square corner and that’s good enough for me

Congress used to work better in the past and people have all sorts of theories why. The other day when I was doing night work I met a lady who explained it and made a whole lot of sense. She said the round dome in the capitol building traps dark psychic charges that over time build up to a huge amount of negative energy. This is why in ancient times they used square temples and pyramids and ziggurats and avoided round buildings because in those days round places were used to summon the dark gods. She said that’s why Stonehenge and crop circles are round. I read recently that at night people see ball lightning hovering over the capital building but what they are really seeing is that negative energy attracted to all the dark charges going round and round in the dome. The lady told me that there is some mystery about who came up with the capitol dome but that it was most likely energy agents. It all makes me feel optimistic because if Congress will just move to another building we are in business again. I would write to my Congressman about it but the post office makes a lot of mistakes in my neighborhood and lately all my letters to him keep getting returned.

The Clocks ClocksClocks

I thought it was a long tale but the ending came sooner than I expected

Clocks don’t do as much as they could, especially grandfather clocks. Nowadays people don’t think much about clocks but a long time ago people thought they were magic because they could measure time. I heard a guy say that time was like water pouring out of a faucet but I think it’s more like chunky gumbo because some parts are thicker than others. Anyway, clocks have hands and faces because people thought they were small gods. Now that the clockworks are simple they would fill the grandfather clock case with other stuff, like an electronic brain and eyes, and they could attach arms and legs. I’m thinking we could let prisoners on death row free and save a lot of money on prisons because each one would be followed by a walking grandfather clock with long arms that would watch over them and count their time down. No matter where they went or what they did that clock would follow them and keep ticking away. When their appeals were done the judge could push a button and the clock would come right after them with its long arms and then play a special song after it finished them off. It would backfire though because some people might get on death row just for the thrill of being followed around and hearing that clock tick.

Two Arm Bandit TwoArm Arm

Do not rock the boat

I talked to a guy last night who just got back from Vegas and he told me about the new walking slot machines they are testing out there. One of the new casinos is trying out slot machines that can follow people around in the casino and offer them free games and drinks. I guess they are like robots in a way and try to get people to spend more money. I bet that’s just the beginning though and if this works out they will put in special slot machines that only move if there is an emergency. They just sit there and people play them until somebody causes a real problem and when a security person presses a button all those slot machines chase the troublemaker and gives them the old kabosh. My question is how to give them two arms without attracting attention because most slot machines have just one lever on the side. I’m trying to imagine strangling someone with one arm and it would be really hard unless I had a noose ready to throw over their head. If I had a casino I would advertise slot machines that right AND left handed people could use and having a lever on each side would make sense. I wish I had one of those myself because my neighbors could play it and make me rich and if anybody cause my problems my two arm bandit would take care of business. If I had to choose a name I would call it Slottor.