Carnivale CarnivaleCarniCarn

If I had to leave town I would ride the gravy train

I would pay more money to eat somewhere if it had a fantastical show that made my head spin. People like good food but they like entertainment even better. If I could I would rent a big warehouse and turn it into an extravaganza of food and fun. I would make it look like a street inside with lampposts and sidewalks and everything and instead of a single restaurant I would have food stalls on either side of the street. All my different dishes would be in the food stalls and people could walk along and try out whatever they wanted. There would be street performers inside and bands and every thirty minutes a parade would come down the street and customers could walk in the parade with their food. It would be like Carnival in Brazil with stilt walkers and masked riders on horses plus I would have Chinese dragons and bongo players on carts and sword fighters. People would enjoy the food but they would never forget all the craziness happening while they ate. At each end of the street there would be a big stage with wild conga music and magicians. I would have people in costumes rolling carts down the street selling beer and cocktails. There would also be some rooms off the street with picnic tables where people could get away from the craziness and drink and eat their food. It would be absolute madness but people would love it and it would be the hottest ticket in town. Only so many people could get in at a time so it would never be too crowded. I wish a big spender would come along and help me put all this together. If they did I would take a break once in awhile so I could just hang out on that street and drink beer and listen to crazy congas all night long.

Coloring ColorColorColoring

I was just phoning it in because I ran out of data

Nowadays there are coloring books for young and old so everyone can get in the action. People with hard jobs like to color so they do not feel as stressed. That way they can avoid doing crazy things like punching their bosses in the head or setting their desks on fire. Some folks who are in the hospital or stuck at home may like to color so they can be happy for a while and focus on things besides death. Still though I think coloring books are most popular with little kids. Parents want kids to color because it keeps kids busy for a good while and coloring books are cheap. But coloring books are not as educational as they could be. They should stick some facts in there for kids to learn in their spare time. For example if they are coloring a castle the page can tell them that knights worked long hours and the kings and queens had it easy but did not bathe very often. If they are coloring a fish the page can mention that fried fish are tasty but grilled fish are better for you. If they sprinkle facts in with the pictures then kids will learn all kinds of things that their parents would never expect. Parents should not mind too much because those coloring books would still be cheap and keep the kids busy so the parents can watch a little TV and take life easy. I want kids to have as many facts as possible so they can hit the streets running and have a shot at the good life.

Last Meal MealMeal Meal

A meal among friends can lead to strange ends

If someone told me I had only one meal left I would take a long time to decide what it would be. I would want all use up all the time I could just in case a knight in shining armor or the army or navy might come by and help me out in the meantime. If no one came to help though I would ask for the tastiest and fanciest meal I could get. No need to worry about indigestion so I would load up on steaks and chops and seafood and hold off on the salad. I suppose you could plan it like you were going to a fancy buffet and avoid the cheaper stuff that would fill you up, like bread and rice. I would get wine though and ask for red and white to make sure it goes with everything. I guess someone would be watching over me so I would ask them to join and eat too. It is lonely to eat alone after all. Some people might not have much of an appetite in that situation but I would eat as much as I could hold. It would be like throwing a party for myself and having the best time I can while wondering what comes next. It may seem strange to say but if that time ever comes I will stock up so I have the strength to fight to the finish.

Odd Jobs OddOdd JobOdds

If you work real hard they will let you work harder still

People never find out all the real details about a job until it’s too late to quit. One of my friends worked for a repo company and they told him not to worry about speeding tickets because they would pay them all. He finally figured out that his insurance company would still give him the business for all those tickets. Another friend worked in a small factory and the boss hated alcohol and wanted to install breath test machines in everybody’s cars. It can still be hard to turn down the money even if the work is strange. Sometimes I pick up odd jobs where it’s good not to ask any questions. For my last job they paid me good money to go to a spot in the woods late at night and dig a big hole and leave the shovel there. Something was going to be buried real quick but it was best not to ask. A few jobs back I had to take some 55 gallon drums from behind a factory to a truck across town. They were heavy but I think drums are usually heavy. I’m good with directions and I never speed so many of my jobs have me taking special packages from one place to another in the night time. That’s the best time to work anyway because it’s cooler at night and people are more likely to mind their own business. If you are too picky you might be out of work for a long time. I find it is easier to get work and make that cash if you are willing to take the odd with the even.

Cowboyz CowboyCowboyBoyz

I came with fire and brimstone and I leave with hat in hand

If I had been a cowboy outlaw in the old west I would have saved up my money so I could retire and open a barber shop. In the movies the outlaws ride into town and shoot up the saloon and rob the bank and sometimes set the general store on fire but they never burn down the barber shop. I guess even outlaws give barbers a break because nobody wants a bad haircut even if you always wear a black hat. I would practice my shooting through because if somebody was unhappy with their haircut I might need a quick draw. If I got tired of barbering I would play piano in the saloons and work my way from town to town. Nobody ever shoots the piano player either because it isn’t always so easy to find someone to tickle the old ivories. I guess the safest job of all in the old days was the undertaker because nobody ever gave the undertaker the business, but I would not want to be in charge of dead bodies in those days when it was hot with no air conditioning and there were flies everywhere. If I was in England or France in those days I suppose I could be riding in a coach and four and wearing top hats but in the movies the cowboys seem to have more fun. If I had a time machine I would go back to the old west and buy a black hat and hit the trail running because there would be no time to waste. I might not have much money but I would have a barrel full of fun.

Wanderer WanderWanderWand

I’m not coming home tonight, my soul is restless and the moon is bright

Sometimes people vanish without saying a word and go hunt for a better life. They might not even tell their friends and family because they don’t want anyone to stop them. That can be hard these days but it was easier in the past when you could strike out into the West or take a train far away or hop a freighter to another country. I guess everybody is tempted from time to time but it is hard to leave everything behind unless you feel squeezed out. Plus nowadays you need all kinds of IDs and numbers to get a job and survive. In the old days you could wander like a will-o’-the-wisp and pick up work here and there and keep searching for that promised land. Wanderers would show up in the country or in small towns or big cities and keep moving on until they found the right place to settle or might never settle down at all. They might find themselves sleeping under the stars or in a boardinghouse or in a fine mansion. In the end though I bet they stopped in the place that had the best food because it is hard to resist a good meal even if your soul is restless. If I had a hotel I would call it the Wandering Inn and hope that wanderers would come stay so I could hear all their stories. I would give them free drinks at the hotel bar and their stories would carry me far away to places known and unknown. That’s as close as I would get to being a wanderer though because while my imagination might run wild I still like to stay close to home.

Salt and Pepper PepperPepper

Reach for the stars with your feet on the ground

If I owned a restaurant every seat in the house would be comfortable, there would be a jug of wine on every table, and people could stay all night. Some of the fancy places are all steel and glass with industrial lighting and frantic music playing so you eat and run. One guy told me about table turning and how the bean counters figure out how long people will stay and try to make them get in and get out fast. I avoid those places like the plague because you can’t even remember what you ate. It’s a beehive of activity with people rushing around and constant noise and all the customers telling each other how lucky they were to get a reservation. I would pay money not to go through all that torture. I would have dark wood everywhere and have dim lighting and lamps on every table so customers could make it as bright as they wanted. There would be booths too so people could really make themselves at home. I would get to know all the customers and sit at a table in the corner to check things out and make sure everyone was happy. The staff would have snappy outfits and we would have a staff dinner at the end of the day so they would be happy too. There would be a bar too so regulars could hang out and drink up and complain about life. I guess I wouldn’t make much money but I would be having too much fun to care.

Mirrors MirrorsMirrorsMir

Is what you will say more valuable than silence?

A long time ago they thought that if you looked into a mirror too long your reflection would try to steal your soul. Sometimes when I look in a mirror I feel like my reflection has a life of its own. When I walk away my reflection disappears and could be off doing all kinds of bad things in the shadow world. It would be interesting if there was a shadow world where all of our reflections led different lives. I guess it would be a pain to be a reflection because when your person comes to a mirror you have to stand to attention right quick and put on a show on the other side. If I were a reflection I would make merry as much as I could and after a while I would play tricks on my person. In the beginning I would move just a little differently than he did and do things he would only see out of the corner of his eye. If he looked into the mirror too much and interrupted my good time I would start wearing a strange mask sometimes or paint my face a weird color. That might drive him crazy after awhile but could be good for me. When people are put in insane asylums the watchers do not give them mirrors because they could break them and hurt themselves. If my person was committed I would have all day and night to live with wild abandon and try every possible kind of excess in the shadow world. That’s why these days I only use mirrors when I have to so my reflection can take it easy.

Games GamesGames GamesGam

My teachers are gone but their lessons remain

In the old days there were more murders because more people played board games. Board games are intense because you sit eye to eye with your opponent around a small table and violence can erupt at any time if there is any funny business. One time in a museum I saw an old game board that had slashes from where people hacked at it with knives and swords after they lost. Video games are safe because people sit in a dark room staring at a screen and you would have to drive a long long way to break into your opponent’s house and give them the works. If someone is cheating in a board game though I think it would be justifiable homicide to kill them because there is no good excuse for cheating. Now I would never bust somebody’s chops over a board game but I would keep my eyes open all the same.

Sharkon SharkonSharkonShar

It takes two to tango

Not too long ago I met a guy who told me that in all of history only one culture has worshipped the shark. He said it was an island in the Pacific thousands of years ago and the best translation of their god’s name is Sharkon. Now that made me think. If I had a time machine and all of eternity I still wouldn’t visit people who worship sharks because you know they have to be downright vicious. All hail Sharkon and here are 100 prisoners to feed him, surf’s up. Now if I could create an army of walking sharks I would rule the world because everyone would piss their pants and run away as soon as they came down the street and into all the stores and houses. I would made the smartest, biggest shark the new Sharkon and make sure he was well fed. The sharks would all yell Hail Sharkon when they attacked. Now that would be a sight to see.