Author: admin

ParrotTalk ParrotsTalkingParrotsTalk

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I watched the whole thing and the ending was to die for

When I think about relaxing with a pet I never think about parrots.  Sometimes I wonder why people give parrots a pass when all hell would break loose if dogs and cats started talking. People say parrots talk without thinking but I don’t believe it.  The parrot in the bar across the street only yells “throw him out” when I come in the door so I think there should be an investigation.  I do know that parrots live a long time.  Parrots could cause all kinds of problems if they really wanted to but maybe we don’t have anything they really want.  It’s too soon to feel safe though. The Japanese love making electronic pets because so many apartments there won’t let you have one.  Pretty soon they will make electronic parrots with AI that will be true companions and ask how was your day and listen to your work gossip and watch shows with you.  The parrots will remember everything and after listening for awhile will know all your information like when you go to work and your social security number and all the things that make you scared or lonely.  If someone evil made those parrots they could give them hidden arms and hands to use when no one is looking and steal people’s identities or transfer money from their bank accounts or set them up for blackmail or drive them insane.  The parrot would be friendly and part of the family but behind the scenes it would be plotting their downfall.  By the time people figured it out those parrots would be everywhere and it would be hard to hunt them all down.  I know it will be an exciting thing to see but a cat is good enough for me. 

Mixups UpMix MixMixUps Mix

I took a walk down Easy Street but it was a dead end.

A few nights ago after I got off work I went to one of my favorite bars to see the scene. The owner was there and set me up with a starter shot on the house and then I ran into two guys I knew from around the neighborhood. They didn’t know each other so I was the common denominator. I call those situations mixups because it’s like combining two kinds of food you aren’t sure will work together. The combo may be delicious or it may taste like roasted ass. When I would see them normally I would talk to the one guy about the latest crimes and with the other guy about ways to make quick money. After we had some shots we wound up talking with the owner about strange stories he’d heard about the graveyard a few streets over. It was an old school graveyard with the fancy crypts for rich folks where you can look inside and see sculptures and stained glass windows. After we had a few more shots the owner said hey since there’s a full moon tonight why don’t you guys take a midnight tour in the cemetery and see what you can see. My two guys thought that was the best idea in the history of ideas and although the owner couldn’t come he loaned us a flashlight to check it out. It was cloudy when we got there so the moon didn’t help much but we managed to stumble around and check out some of the crypts. They all had chains on the doors except for one where the chain had been cut. We thought about going inside that one but then bumped into a guy with a really dirty hat and face and clothes who went past us and opened the door. He tipped his hat at us and then went inside and closed the door. My two guys thought he was a ghost but if so he was a very polite one so we decided not to bust his chops and we called it a night without poking around any more. It turned out to be a good mixup this time because I tried something new. If I ever get really bored maybe I’ll take a bottle to the cemetery and do some shots with that polite guy in the crypt. After all, I bet he has some great stories to tell.

World of Cats CatsCats World CatWorld

I walked down a strange road for many a mile and wound up back where I started

Sometimes I imagine what a perfect world would be like. It’s hard to say everything that would be in it but I know there would be human-sized house cats that can walk around on their hind legs. They could talk and hold things and do jobs but they would still think like cats. They would only do work they enjoyed and they would only work when they felt like it. Cats have different personalities just like people so some would be packed full of energy and whiz around delivering packages or building things and others would be lazy and do office jobs. They would all take cat naps whenever they wanted. The white collar cats would sit around and do nothing most of the time and let stressed out co-workers pet them and bring them snacks. Every business would want at least one cat worker unless the owner was a Scrooge. If I had a business I would want all the cat workers I could get because I would feel relaxed and refreshed every day even if work was crazy and my customers were insane. I would own a local book store where cat workers run the register and help customers find good books and sell hot coffee and delicious snacks. I’d make enough money to get by but mainly I’d enjoy hanging out with my cat workers and drinking wine and eating chips and catnip snacks. We would get together at the local pub some nights and play pool and drink cold beer and tell crazy stories and if anybody gave us a hard time me and my cat pals would give them the business. A world of cats might be for everyone but it would be the perfect world for me. If I can ever find the door to it I’ll pack my suitcase in a hurry and leave right away so I can go get the party started.

Hell Machine MachineHellHell

You can make a big impression just by hanging around

When I think about heaven it sounds too good to be true. Instead there might just be a big hell that has better parts and worse parts. You would get a tour through the worst parts where people live in liquid fire and eat snakes and then the better parts would seem like heaven. But people have different fears and backstories so the people in charge of hell would really have to put some thinking into where people go. I bet it is a real pain in the ass to make all those decisions when so many people die every day and night. These days there is probably a machine that judges people real quick and prints out a map that tells them where to go. Anybody who tries to beat the system and ignore the map gets thrown into the liquid fire. Someone who has been really good would be assigned to a part that is still hot with bad food and root beer but at least they would not be chained to a rock and beaten by demons. And maybe people could move on up if they behaved well. Still I wonder if hell exists at all because running it would be super expensive. The overhead would be crazy and it would have to run for eternity. All I can say is that I’ve had enough trouble here on earth so I hope when my time comes I can get some real rest and not have to worry about what comes next.

Tidbits Tidbits BitsBitsTidBits

One man’s trash is another man’s pleasure

If you walk in any restaurant it is always amazing to see how much food is wasted. Sometimes customers are to blame, but other times it is no one’s fault. Some restaurants serve way too much food to eat and a customer from out of town doesn’t need leftovers. Or a kid may not like what they get and decide not to eat it. Once a kid decides not to eat something there is nothing anyone can do because that kid will sit there and say no, no, no all day long. I have been thinking about this for a long time and came up with a solution called Tidbits. I would have a place that served leftovers from other restaurants and the prices would be super cheap. If a restaurant sold hamburgers and someone left most of a cheeseburger the restaurant could cut off the uneaten part and save it. Or if someone only eats one taco on a taco plate the rest would be saved. I would send someone round all the restaurants every few hours to pick up stuff and then display it on big tables in Tidbits. So half a hamburger might only be a dollar or two and a taco might be fifty cents. I would make sure and sell big mugs of beer though and draw in the college crowd, especially the college boys because they will eat almost anything when they are sober and everything else when they get blasted. I could make all my money on the drinks but we could all feel good about helping not waste food. Also it would let me use the name Tidbits which would make me happiest of all. It’s hard to come up with a good name for a restaurant and I sure don’t want to waste this one.

Living Wage WageWagesW

I’ve been walking through the forest a long time but can’t seem to find the money tree.

I usually work for myself because working for the wrong kind of boss can lead to an early grave. The smart bosses treat and pay their employees well because in the end that usually makes them work harder. The bad bosses create a culture of fear though and make their employees think they will never work again if they quit. Then there are the lazy bosses that push all the hard decisions on their employees and then are nowhere to be found when things blow up. But maybe the hardest ones to deal with are the weird bosses that make strange decisions and hide under their desks sometimes and are nice one day and start talking to their stapler the next day. No job is perfect but getting paid well helps. I can put up with most any boss if my pockets are full and I live it up a little and even start saving for that rainy day. If I were a boss I would work hard and would make sure my people made a living wage. That would just be the start though. I would also have good snacks for everyone because everyone loves good snacks. We would also have some fun and games once in a while and have some hallway bowling and nerf gun battles after hours. I would rather live a life of leisure but if I had to be a boss I would want to be the best one in town.

Press To Play PressPlayToPress

One wrong step can lead to a world of troubles

Human beings have loved games since ancient times. Even a sourpuss likes to play a fun game and everyone knows how to play at least a few. It makes you wonder if people are born loving games and if so whether there are games in the afterlife. Just think about what kind of complicated games there would be if people could play them for eternity. I suppose the games would be peaceful in heaven and more violent in hell and kind of dull in purgatory. Of course people around the world believe in different kinds of afterlives and some think we are reincarnated and start all over again. I like to think that no matter how the afterlife works there will be games involved. Maybe our life is one big game and our score helps decide where we go or whether we come back. Or it could be that our lives are training us for a game we play after death that decides our fate. If that’s the case I hope it’s not a hard game or I might wind up in a dark place. But unless the game master is really sinister I think there will be different games for different ages and types of people. Little kids might play Twister and smart people might play chess and maybe simpler people will play checkers. Or it could be a game that none of us have ever played before and it might send us to places we’ve never even thought of, like a world where we are floating clouds or a dark world where we live in glowing leisure hives. The best kind of game would reward the winners and give everyone else another chance, or be a cooperation game where people work together. I do like a good game so I think I will be ready when the time comes. Still, though, I think I will start practicing more while I’m still kicking so I will be ready for the biggest game of all.

Robar RobarRobRobar

Belly up to the bar, boys, drinks are on me

It doesn’t seem fair that robots work all day and night and never have any fun. I bet things will change in the future when robots think for themselves. They will still work hard but they will get breaks to blow off some steam. If we give those robots a drinking function that will be a cheap and easy way to keep them happy. Everybody likes to drink because it relaxes the soul and takes your mind off your troubles. I am not sure what robots will drink, though. I am imagining some kind of alcoholic motor oil that glows in the dark and makes their heads spin around. The robot makers will have to make sure that drunken robots cannot rampage and riot and tear stuff to bits. The safe thing to do is have special bars just for robots. I would call them Robars and they would have all kinds of drinks and games just for robots. It would be open all the time and have big robot bouncers to take care of anybody stirring up trouble and starting fights and throwing around the furniture. There would even be tables with candlelight for robot romance. I guess there would be music too but I can’t say for sure what kind of music robots will like. If they do like music then there would be a robot band ripping it up and robots doing crazy dance moves all night long. Now that would be a sight to see. Robots have to work from the minute they come off the assembly line so if I had my way Robars would never had a cover charge and drinks would always be free. If I was in charge humans would not normally be allowed in Robars but I would fill in as a bartender sometimes just so I could see the action.

Grab Bag GrabGragBag

A little bit-o-something is better than a big bunch of nuthin’

Today I had all kinds of random thoughts but none of them would make me any money. They are the kind of thoughts that are hard to put into action unless you have a big budget and lots of time. For instance it would be fun to build hundreds of 7 feet tall walking clocks that you could send all around town to knock on people’s doors. When someone answers the door the clock will say “you know what time it is” and then turn and run down the street to the next house. I could watch that all day long. It would also be fun to have thousands of drones fly all around town with loudspeakers on them that shout out random slogans and facts. The drones would shout out “Justice is served!” and “Anarchy Rules!” and “You never loved me!” and all kinds of other ridiculous message. I would put the police department logo on all the drones to make it more fun. After that settled down I would have people go out in the middle of the night and paint all the mailboxes black and then paint red skulls and demons on all of them. That would give people something to puzzle over. Then I would hire planes to fly all over town with banners that said “Stick It To The Man” but nobody would know why. It’s fun to give people something to do and it will keep them from being bored. If I still had money left I would have people dressed as executioners go door to door with a noose and ask them if this is the house that requested a hangman. By then I would really have made a name for myself. I would have people film everything so I could watch it later and show it to everyone. It might drive people crazy at the time but they would have a good laugh later and I would be the happiest of them all.

Art Today ART/NOW/ART

I was a mover and shaker but now I’m a tastemaker

Art can be hard to understand unless you are in the know. Museums have art from the past but art galleries have the newest and coolest art with super high price tags. I go once in a while so I can keep up with the times. The last time I went I saw a giant kite with graffiti on it hanging from the ceiling, a video of a man punching flowers, a statute made out of cereal boxes and some ripped canvases with bloody plastic heads coming out of them. To make money in the art field you have to do something first because if you come in second nobody cares. For instance in a museum I saw canvases in strange shapes that were all painted a solid color. Someone figured that out and used a roller brush ever since but it’s too late for anyone else to do it. If you think about it, the hardest part of making big money as an artist is coming up with that new idea. If I wanted to be an artist first I would make a statue out of clay and put it in a glass box with a test tube dripping acid on the statue. It would melt the statue and create a new artwork every few seconds. That’s what I would tell people anyway and I would have a camera set up to take pictures of it every time the acid dropped on it. People could stand and watch the statue melt and I would have the different pictures for sale. They wouldn’t just be plain pictures though. I would stand in a corner behind a glass screen and slash the pictures with a sword or blacken them with a torch and people could watch that too and buy the pictures. I would set all that up in a little gallery and have a DJ play wild music in the background and have a bar where people could buy cocktails while they watch the art. It would be one wild party and people would feel in the know because it would be crazy art nouveau they could tell their friends about and put on Instagram. Every few weeks I would come up with some new wild art so people would keep coming back. I might not make it into the history books as an artist but I would have tons of fun riding that gravy train all the way to the bank.